At some point in your life you are likely to find yourself a participant in a bar fight. These altercations occur for various reasons, but can usually be attributed to some drunken chump who couldn’t keep his mouth shut, couldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer, or couldn’t handle the fact you just snatched up his lady’s digits while he was peter-gazing in the urinal. Regardless of whether or not that drunken chump is you, it is all about self preservation. Here are some tips for surviving such a confrontation or avoiding it altogether.
1. Pace Yourself – People under the influence are hyper-sensitive at times. Something which you might generally brush off as nonsense might cause you to impulsively spring into attack mode. The inability to think before acting can get you fucked up proper. Pace yourself with the booze and you’ll already have an advantage over all the roided-out frat-babies strutting about with their Jager-bombs.
2. Aim Low – There is no such thing as a fair fight; unless sanctioned by the state of Nevada or New Jersey, everything is fair. That means your opponent’s balls are game, and as soon as you’ve smashed his hopes of procreation, continue to pummel him. A knee to the head or an eye-gouge work great when Michael McVeiny is bent over trying to shield his unspent sperm from any further shock.
3. Take Advantage Of Your Surroundings – If you see something that would make a good projectile or might be used as a barrier between you and your opponent’s flailing arms, PICK IT UP! Throw it, brandish it, or try to trip him. If he is still in the fetal position from that nut-shot, resort to ground-and-pound. Don’t worry about it getting too nasty because bar fights don’t last very long with all of the bouncers running about.
4. Strength In Numbers – Most people don’t pick fights unless they are pretty sure they’ll win–even drunk guys. Hang out in bars you are familiar with and maintain a close group of drinking buddies. Most groups of men have at least one peacekeeper to keep things civil. If he fails, at least numbers will be on your side.
5. Bring Women – While girlfriends have been known to get many men into fights, having an entourage of sexy ladies in your drinking party keeps other guys chill. No one gets the girl after mopping the floor with her friend. If anything, the instigator usually assists his victim in escaping the dreaded friend-zone. Get beat-up and get laid.
6. Don’t Be The Nice Guy – Nice guys wake up in the hospital or outside on the sidewalk. You might just be fighting for you life and you shouldn’t act any differently. Being timid, or soft, never poses well for your prospects of winning a fight. Once you are sure a fight is going to occur, strike fast and strike first. The first punch in a fight is often the most important.
7. Get The Guy Talking – Insult his mother or girlfriend. Ask him if he’s always so sensitive or if there’s just an unusual amount of sand in his vagina. Piss him off, get him yapping…it will serve as a good distraction when decide to shut him up.
8. Know When To Run – You think emergency exits are there for nothing? Live to fight another day. No matter how tough you are, there’s someone out there who you don’t want a piece of. Pride is one of man’s biggest downfalls. Swallow it and the women you were rolling with will love you the more for it.