The stupid persons guide to life (about thyme)

  • Don’t eat rocks.
  • Don’t take naps in the road.
  • Don’t stoke fires with your fingers.
  • Don’t throw a brick straight up.
  • Don’t breathe car exhaust.
  • If you ever meet the President, don’t offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket.
  • For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.
  • Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
  • Don’t stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers.
  • The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.
  • If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you’re traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.
  • If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don’t do it with your head.
  • Don’t flip off the Mafia.
  • If you’re riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.
  • Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.
  • Light birthday cake candles from back to front.
  • Just because your body has orifices doesn’t mean you should put things into them.
  • Don’t stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.
  • Although they are sold in grocery stores, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what’s inside.
  • The warning “Don’t try this at home” really means “Don’t try this at all.”
  • Don’t bathe in a tub full of snow.
  • Don’t iron clothes while wearing them.
  • The expression “Life in the fast line” should not inspire you to live in the road.
  • Don’t eat hot coals.
  • Don’t escape in to jail.
  • Don’t wash floors with cough syrup.
  • Don’t kick porcupines with bare feet.
  • Don’t sled down hills with interstates at the bottom.
  • Sell at most one of your kidneys.
  • Don’t lie down in a cattle pen.
  • Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.
  • Don’t test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.
  • Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.
  • Don’t snap towels at passing cops.
  • Don’t lick dry ice.
  • Don’t pour salt in your eyes.
  • Don’t microwave yourself.
  • Don’t chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.
  • Don’t swallow toothpaste.
  • Don’t chew Tylenol.
  • Don’t bathe in gasoline.
  • Don’t sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the rump.
  • Don’t drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.
  • Don’t lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.
  • Don’t go swimming in a well.
  • Don’t use the gum from underneath the seats at schools and movie theaters even though it’s free.
  • Don’t kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.
  • When using an acetylene torch, don’t feel the flame to see if it’s sufficiently hot.
  • Better yet, stay away from acetylene torches altogether.
  • Wear clothes.
  • Use a pot holder when removing items from the oven.
  • If someone shouts “Heads up!” don’t actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
  • Don’t drink and drive.
  • Don’t tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
  • Don’t brush your teeth with a wire-bristled sanding wheel.
  • When using a blow gun, draw your breath before placing your lips around the barrel.
  • No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
  • When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
  • Do not put butter or jam on the bread before placing it in a toaster

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