Don’t eat rocks. Don’t take naps in the road. Don’t stoke fires with your fingers. Don’t throw a brick straight up. Don’t breathe car exhaust. If you ever meet the President, don’t offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whipping it suddenly out of your coat pocket. For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist. Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them. Don’t stargaze with friends on a hilltop in a thunderstorm and use metal fishing rods as pointers. The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption. If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you’re traveling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes. If you want to pound on the radiator to tell the landlord to turn up the heat, don’t do it with your head. Don’t flip off the Mafia. If you’re riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit. Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes. Light birthday cake candles from back to front. Just because your body has orifices doesn’t mean you […]